Episode 24: The Next Right Step

Hello and Welcome to the Love Your Life Podcast - This is Episode 24 - The next right step. I had a fantastic session with one of my beautiful clients yesterday and decision making came up. It reminded me that it would be a great podcast episode because it is so fundamental to how we do all the things in our lives. Each of us has a pattern for the way we make decisions. Some of us get through decisions with less stress than others. Some stages of life seem to have more frequent decisions than other stages, and some decisions have bigger results than others. No matter where you are in the stages, the stress, and the opportunities to make decisions, I can predict that you will have a chance to practice what you learn with me today sooner than later. Before we get into the practical tools, I want to start with a story—because sometimes the clearest truths come from the simplest places. Aesop’s fables have been around for thousands of years, and in a way, they’re like ancient life coaching sessions. They use animals and metaphors to teach us about ourselves, our patterns, and our choices. And today’s fable, in particular, speaks right into the heart of decision-making—especially when we’re stuck in our heads with too many options. Let me tell you the story of The Fox and the Cat. One day, a fox and a cat were talking about how they would escape danger if it came their way. The fox boasted, “I know a hundred clever tricks to get away.” The cat replied, “I only know one—but it always works.” Just then, they heard hunters coming. The cat immediately climbed a tree and hid in the branches. The fox, in a panic, couldn’t decide which of his hundred tricks to use—and in that hesitation, he was caught. The moral? Better one safe way than a hundred you cannot decide between. So often in our lives, it’s not lack of options that paralyzes us—it’s the overwhelming number of them. We overthink. We hesitate. We wait for the “perfect” choice to appear. But the truth is: clarity often comes from action—not from thinking harder. Have you heard that one before? It is a good one. Especially in our modern world that is rich with so many good things. Today I want to share 5 things that will help with any decision you have to make. #1 - Beware of the temptation to believe there is only one right answer. IF you are like the fox with lots of options then you can become paralyzed when trying to choose the right one. I have talked to you about cognitive biases before. One such bias or distortion is called splitting. Splitting is a mental operation that divides the world into black or white thinking also known as binary thinking like - Good/bad, Right/wrong, Fair/Unfair, Always/Never win/lose success/failure to name a few - Splitting things into categories is developmentally appropriate for humans to do as children who are trying to make sense of a world that is unpredictable and emotionally overwhelming. .It helps them create order and safety which supports emotional regulation early on as effectively pushes the pause button until they can gain more information and experience to grow into more nuanced thinking. It also helps to lay the groundwork for moral development. Children love boundaries because they feel safe, splitting is like a moral boundary. The more rigid it is the safer it feels at first - so children start to notice the things that will keep them safe - but as we grow we have the capacity to add context, empathy, reasoning, into our thinking which gives us the opportunity to learn how to integrate opposing things and allow them both to be true. LIke the concept that smoking is bad for your health - but it doesn’t mean you are a bad person if you smoke. Or the idea that my friend was mean today, but that doesn’t mean she's a bad person. Little kids don’t understand this from the get go. We all have to develop through this cognitive processor that we start with toward more emotional maturity, and most of us eventually do, but that doesn’t mean that there are not remnants of it ready to jump in when we are tired, stressed, or not intentional. And as it turns out - making decisions is one of those areas where our default programming loves to jump in and overly simplify a process with the hope of providing a sense of safety as fast as possible. But once we start on the path of craving safety, we are more likely to invite fear into our equations. And Fear is never the fuel we want to use to build a life that we love. Safety can be good- but it eventually gets cold, dark, and lonely as we hide away in our safe places. So when making decisions be alert and aware when your brain offers to you that there is a right or wrong decision. When you catch yourself doing this - You can soothe yourself by reminding your brain that there is not one right and one wrong answer - there are simply results that you might like more or less than other results, and you invite yourself to be curious about what those results would be that you would like most. The sooner you get yourself settled and the sooner you can begin the search for the result you think you will like most and begin the process of choosing that. Which is commonly referred to as a decision! Lol 2: Get the Thoughts Out of Your Head You might have noticed when you approach a decision that your options start spinning around in your head all of the time. I think of it like the little spinning wheel on the computer screen while the computer is loading. There is one fast way out of that and that is to get it all out of your brain and into a more tangible form which is best done by writing it out. Your brain is a terrible storage device. Put your thoughts on paper where you can see them clearly. You can call it a thought download, a brain dump, or thought vomit. Just get it out and give yourself a chance to look at it. Ask yourself what you are worried about, afraid will happen, or avoiding first. This allows your lower brain to get out all of the things that it is trying to protect you from. You will feel so much better when you notice the things you want to avoid. 3: Then Get curious- and know your own mind We have already noted that we don’t make our best decisions fueled by fear - so let’s use curiosity to help us here. You are still going to be writing during this part of the process. Start by asking yourself what you need to know to make this decision. Gather any information that your brain comes up with. As an answer to this question. Next ask yourself what you would prefer as the most ideal outcome? This can be tricky if you have only ever looked for the right/wrong answers- But it is so important to take into account what you would actually prefer. You are the one who gets to write the story of your life - don’t let your default programming determine that for you - to me that would be like letting AI decide for me - If it feels overwhelming - just promise yourself to stay curious about that. Depending on the decision, you might break down how the outcome would affect you and the people you are deciding for/with in different ways. I like to use these areas to keep in mind- Physical - Emotional- Fiscal - Social - Spiritual - Familial If you take the time to write down what your goals are in these areas first, you can then get curious how your decision would best align with these goals. The best decisions are going to be in alignment with your goals and values. After you have done the work to know your own mind - you can invite others into your collection of information if your decision involves or affects them. Don’t muddy the water by too many other opinions though - 4- Make the Decision -.and immediately choose to stop deciding- you can do this by Set a deadline. Give yourself a reasonable timeframe to think, gather information, talk to who you need to talk to, and get clear. Make the decision. Once you’ve made it—commit. Don’t revisit it every day. Don't keep circling. I tell myself all the time to fish or cut bait - once we make a choice we need to let it go - and if I have made a choice - I don’t get to beat myself up regretting it - I minimize this - by Set a future date to re-evaluate. If the decision needs adjusting later, you’ll know when to revisit it. Until then—trust yourself and move forward. This frees up so much mental energy. Constant reconsideration is exhausting and rarely helpful. You made a thoughtful choice. Let it stand. 5: You Get to Pivot Here’s the truth: There’s always another next right thing. No decision has to be final forever. You get to choose again. You get to adjust. You get to grow. So if you’re tired from thinking about something too much, take a deep breath and remind yourself: “I don’t have to find the one perfect answer. I just need to take the next right step.”