Episode 22: Pain is Inevitable, but Suffering Is Optional

If you’ve been following along, you know that in the last two podcasts, I have talked about different angles of accepting the circumstances of our lives, or the things we cannot control as a way to create more peace in our life. You have also heard me speak about the 50/50 before. When I refer to that, I am saying that earth life is made up of 50 percent positive and 50 percent negative circumstances. If these are the odds I’m going with, then it is inevitable that there are going to be painful experiences around this place and that they will be fairly consistent. It is a life skill to make peace with the pain. And today, We start with learning how to not turn the original pain into more suffering by resisting it. Let me share two stories to illustrate what I mean. Have you ever read the fable from Aesop about The Bald Man and the Fly? This is how it goes - One day, a bald man was sitting outside enjoying the fresh air when a fly landed on his head. He was Irritated by the fly’s buzzing, so he swatted at forcefully at it, hoping to get rid of the pest. Unfortunately, in the process, he smacked his own head hard, causing himself more pain than the fly ever could. The fly, thought this was funny and mocked him saying: "You tried to kill me for such a small offense, yet you've only brought more harm upon yourself!" The bald man replied, "I would rather endure a hundred blows from myself than let a creature like you go unpunished!" Of course the moral of the story is that reacting harshly to minor annoyances can cause more harm than the original problem itself—a direct parallel to the idea that resisting pain only increases suffering. As I say - Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional. Aesop seems intent on teaching us a lesson on being patient and not letting small grievances escalate into larger self-inflicted wounds. This is very similar to the phrase adding insult to injury. The injury has already happened - why spend our time insulting ourselves about it additionally? The injury or initial pain would, of course, be the fly landing on our heads - but the insult or the suffering comes by hitting ourselves over and over as we are mad at the fly. Here is another similar story. Pretend you have just watched someone you care about get bitten by a poisonous snake. You know logically that their first instinct should be to get the venom out of their system and seek medical help. But instead you watch them focus all their energy on chasing down the snake to get revenge. They are limping through the area with a shovel while screaming madly at the snake. They taunt it and challenge it hoping it will reveal itself to them, so they can hit it back, but their only result is that the snake is nowhere to be found and their activity drives the venom deeper into their circulation and delays them from getting to the anti venom. In the end, the longer they wait to get the medicine, the more harm is done to their body - and there could even be lasting consequences. Notice that the snake bite is something that they had no control over - it is the injury - or the pain - or the fly from Aesop's fable - or the rock in the river bed. It is reality. What happens next determines how much suffering takes place - and this is exactly what each of us has the opportunity to decide for ourselves. Buddhist teachings have a concept called dukkha, which refers to suffering, dissatisfaction, or discomfort in life. The Buddha taught that suffering arises not just from painful experiences themselves but from our resistance to them. Clinging to how we wish things should be, rather than accepting what is, creates unnecessary suffering. In the snake and the fly story the “victims” focus on the thing that went wrong that they could not control. They get angry about it, they seek revenge or retribution, they use the choice and control that is theirs- which is the ability to choose how they will react- in a way that only brings more pain and harm to their situation. They add insult to injury. They create suffering where only pain exists, and they argue with reality as they do so. Notice that their frustration, anger, and resistance to their original pain point fuels actions that are not productive. This is one big aha that all of us can use to our benefit. When we take action from negative feelings or energy - we will almost always create results we do not love. The trick is to allow the feelings that painful circumstances stir up - learn from them, then settle them down and figure out how to take action only when fueled by better, more productive feelings. My favorite feelings to help clients grab ahold of when they are pulling themselves out of circumstances that aren’t their favorite - is curiosity, trust in self, and hope that things will get better. But the first step towards settling things down is Acceptance. Learning how to accept the things we cannot control without drama reduces suffering immediately. I bet you will find that This is not the norm if you look around you at the people in your life - so to practice acceptance on the level I am suggesting is quite radical. Which is just what I will call it today. So What do I mean by Radical acceptance? Radical acceptance is the ability to accept situations outside of our control without judgment and on purpose, and I mean all circumstances, which in turn reduces suffering. To be clear, It is not about agreeing with or approving of a situation; it’s about acknowledging the reality of our circumstances, and then not reacting in negative ways, which will help us not to make things harder for ourselves. One of the very first things I do to help myself and others acknowledge reality is to label my circumstance as clinically and factually as I can. Which means that you don’t use adjectives - and you try to just state facts. Then,I tell myself that this is the part of my story where such and such fact happens. Ok, self, this is just the part of the story where we experience health concerns. This is much different than saying - this is the part of the story where I die. Or This is the part of the story where the children move away. Instead of this is the part of my story where I am left lonely and ignored by my bratty children that should care more about my feelings. Notice how the drama increases with my adjectives? This is the part of my story where my husband and I have things to figure out is a much more factual and less dramatic statement - than this is the part of the story where my selfish husband doesn't hear me or see me, and I’m left holding the bag of a lifetime of his bad habits. This is the part of the story where this person does not want the same things I want. Is easier to make peace with than - this is the part of my story where I am not good enough for them and I never will be good enough for anyone worth having. The latter really does sound and feel like punching ourselves over and over in the face just like the bald man went after the fly. So the way you label your circumstances matter - pay attention to the way you tend to narrate your circumstances in your head. Slow down, take away the adjectives, and try to be as factual as possible. Once we have acknowledged what the reality is - we can remember that we have a choice about how we want to proceed. We can choose to resist it - or we can do our best to accept and allow for it. A phrase that I use on repeat when I am working on accepting a difficult circumstance is to remind myself that nothing has gone wrong here. This is earth life. I am on earth. Of course there is a part of my story like this. Nothing has gone wrong. This helps me not get too worked up about the drama of any given circumstance. I see how this leans into the Buddhist practice of mindfulness. which helps us observe our emotions and thoughts without becoming attached to them. So once I have labeled my circumstance as clearly as I can - and have reminded myself that it is ok that this is part of my story - I can be in a place where I watch my thoughts and feelings to see what they are telling me. And as I watch I remember that I do not have to believe every thought I think. This means I can acknowledge and feel pain without arguing with it which would then turn the pain into suffering. IF you want to learn how to be more radical in accepting your life - this is going to include all of the people in it. They are going to do and say a lot of hurtful things. They are going to disappoint you and outright accuse or dislike you. They are going to neglect and forget about you, and you are going to be tempted to chase after them and prove how wrong or selfish they are. But I must inform or remind you that this is not resisting - this is not accepting - this is creating suffering out of pain. I have clients that take umbrage with this part - they can get caught up with how important it is to set the record straight - They want to make sure the other person sees them - hears them - and acknowledges that they are wrong - But ask yourself what you would do if this person and their words and actions or non words and non actions were simply a rock in the river bed you are flowing down? This will give you a better answer on how to handle them with acceptance and grace. When I push people towards accepting others, some will inevitably confuse it with condoning or forgiving someone for their behavior. This is worth addressing today. Let's look at it in a kind of case study. Let’s say you have a family member who repeatedly lies to you - and you are consistently emotional about not trusting them, and being hurt and offended that they are not honest with you. Then I suggest you are going to have to practice some radical acceptance of this person - because this is someone who is not yours to control, you don’t have the power to change them, and you are really suffering because of your focus on their negative behavior, meaning you can't stop thinking and talking about it to those in your inner circle. You tell me that this is not a good idea because you believe that if you accept their lying, it means you are condoning it. But radical acceptance isn’t about approving of their behavior—it’s about acknowledging reality as it is so that you can stop suffering over something you cannot control. When you resist reality, you stay stuck in frustration and disappointment. But when you accept that this person is someone who lies, you free yourself from the emotional turmoil that comes from expecting them to be different. You will still have feelings about it, but they won’t be masked by anger and frustration - they will be more like sadness and loss, and will be easier processed when you can see and name them for what they are. From that place of clarity, you can decide how to interact with them in a way that protects your peace—whether that means setting boundaries, limiting your engagement, or simply choosing not to take their dishonesty personally.. You don’t have to forgive someone to accept what has happened, and you don’t have to accept someone’s behavior to stop suffering from it. Acceptance is about you, not them. Which leads me to the next stop on the brain train trying to get to acceptance - which is the argument that acceptance will mean throwing in the towel which feels especially scary when it's someone we care about. If this is the case - the push towards acceptance will elicit some big feelings and lead us to try harder to save the people we care about from themselves and their poor behaviors because we love them too much to let them be less than they could be. But notice what the results usually are when we resist people who tell us who they are , especially when it is in the name of loving them. We almost always will create tension in our relationship, which will make the person we are trying to “help” feel defensive which means they will resist us more - and create even more distance than our resistance to their behavior created in the first place. We will tell ourselves we are chasing after them and resisting the reality they are creating because we want to have more love and connection, but we will only create distance - and disconnection. The proof is in the pudding - acceptance makes space for more love and connection and resistance creates less love, more disconnection, and far less peace. Radical acceptance is not about giving up; it’s about letting go of the struggle that is keeping you stuck. It’s about reclaiming your energy from places where you have no control and redirecting it toward what you can influence. When you practice radical acceptance, you create space for more peace, more clarity, and ultimately, more freedom. You stop fighting battles that can’t be won, and instead, you learn to navigate life with grace and resilience. You allow yourself to feel pain without adding unnecessary suffering. And most importantly, you recognize that the power to create a life you love doesn’t come from controlling everything around you—it comes from how you choose to respond to it. So the next time you find yourself resisting a difficult situation, ask yourself: Am I making this harder than it needs to be? Am I arguing with reality? If the answer is yes, take a deep breath, step back, and remind yourself that you have another option. Acceptance, surrender, and non resistance are my favorite go to’s . I hope they can help you break free of your next struggle. Because in the end, life will always bring both joy and hardship. The question isn’t if you will face challenges, but how you will choose to meet them. And when you meet them with radical acceptance, you give yourself the ability to love your life, no matter what.