Episode 19: Are You Lovable?

Hello and Welcome to The Love Your Life Podcast. This is Episode 19: Are You Lovable? Before we jump into this burning question - don’t forget to visit The Love and Confidence Podcast episode 115, for my interview with Laerke Nielsen that aired yesterday. Our conversation was such a powerful reminder that when we truly know our worth, we navigate life with more confidence and clarity. And that brings us to today’s question—one that so many of us wrestle with: Are you lovable? Have you ever wondered this? Perhaps you come at it in a different way? Maybe you question your worth instead of your lovability? Many people, often unconsciously, believe their worth is tied to how lovable they are. You might be surprised how many of us are asking questions like this to ourselves. Have you ever caught someone you love speaking this outloud or caught yourself thinking it? Here are some other questions that might tip you off to consider if you are pondering your lovability? Do people like me? Am I enough? Am I too much? Would they still like me if they knew this (fill in the blank thing) about me? Why didn’t I get invited to the event? Why don’t they call/text? Did I do a good job? Another way to tell if we are not feeling lovable is to pay attention to things we do. Here are some common actions that give you a clue about that. Over-giving – Hoping that doing more for others will make them feel loved and in return they will love you. Posting on social media – Fishing for likes, comments, or attention to feel seen and valued. Testing boundaries – Pushing limits in relationships to see if love is conditional or unconditional. Clinging or withdrawing – Either getting extra close or pulling away to see if someone chases after them. Whether it is questioning our worth, or questioning our lovability, all of these questions and actions have something in common. They are all outward focused. When we question if we are lovable we are asking if people around us see something worth loving in us. We are wondering if we are attractive enough, smart enough, good enough, sweet enough, contributing enough, strong enough, or “whatever enough” to be loved. Today, I want to help you consider that wondering if we are lovable enough in the eyes of others is the wrong question. Because it is actually never about how lovable we are, rather it is about how able to love others are. One thing to keep in mind is that what others say and don’t say, or do and don’t do - is always telling us something about them. How can I be so sure about saying this, you might ask? It is because I understand what drives actions - and it is never a circumstance that creates our specific actions or non actions- It is always what we think about a circumstance. And as wonderful and as important as we are in our own minds, we are only ever a circumstance in somebody else’s life. We do and say things that are merely facts for others to think thoughts about, and those thoughts - create feelings - and those feelings fuel the actions that they do or do not take - so the way people speak to and treat others is always a clue for us to understand what they think and feel - true it could be a clue to what they think and feel about us - but it is never because we are lovable, worthy, or good - it is only ever because of how the people around us are able to manage their own thoughts and feelings. Which is based largely on how they have been loved and treated by others to start with. And don’t forget - no matter how perfect you are - you never get to control what others think about you. A great example of this- is the story of Beauty and the Beast - The Beast basically does everything possible to be unlovable. Locks Belle’s father in a dungeon, holds her captive, yells at her, doesn’t shave, sabotages her friendships with the candles, is scary, and most likely has bad breath. In true timeless fashion, this story has endured because of its universal appeal. Most of us can relate to the Beast—we all have traits that aren’t always easy to love. But as the saying goes, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Belle demonstrates this throughout the story, not only by seeing past the Beast’s rough exterior to recognize his true character but also by embodying self-respect and strong personal values. She refuses to compromise her standards when Gaston demands her love, stands firm in her loyalty to her father despite how the townspeople perceive him, and ultimately proves that true love is about understanding and seeing beyond surface-level flaws. Belle repeatedly shows us what true lovability looks like. The townspeople, on the other hand, reveal their limited capacity to love. They fail to see the goodness in those who are different from them, choosing instead to follow the crowd. But it was never about Belle, the Beast, or her father being lovable - it was always about the ability of the people around them, and the ability inside of themselves to love. Over the course of a lifetime we will be bumping up against all kinds of people with all kinds of different levels of love ability. Some of us will have the misfortune of being raised by people with very low abilities to love- this frequently starts the thoughts very very early that lead us to believe that the problem is with us - we must not be lovable - because the adults around us are acting like there is something wrong with us. They even say things that imply or outright accuse us of being less than lovable. The thoughts we start thinking as a child then get free passage in our minds all the way through to adulthood - and eventually these thoughts become beliefs - we don’t even question if they are right or wrong - we accept the labels of not enoughness also known as unlovable. Others of us are raised by and surrounded by people with much higher levels of ability to love. They see the good in us even when our exteriors are prickly. They are not bothered by the ages and stages that we go through because they have the ability to see us for who we actually are and that is perfectly worthy of love as the perfectly imperfect humans we are born as. And Most of us are raised by people that get it right sometimes and wrong others - but they are trying to improve what they got handed to them. AS we venture out into the wide world we will run into teachers and coaches with different abilities to love and reflect worthiness to us, peers with vastly different abilities - coworkers, partners, and family members with different levels of emotional maturity and ability to love. No matter who we encounter, and what they say or don’t say, do or don’t do—will always reflect more about them than about us. The key is to recognize this and catch yourself when sneaky thoughts creep in, making you question your own worth or lovability. If you’ve experienced trauma, it may be even harder to challenge the voices that say you’re unworthy—especially if unhealthy people in your life reinforce that belief. Often, they project their own pain to feel better about themselves. But let me be the voice that tells you they were wrong. You are, and always have been, worthy of love. It has never been about you—it has always been about them. When we seek external validation for our worth, we’re not seeing the truth about ourselves; we’re seeing a reflection of others’ ability to love. And the good news? Our ability to love—both ourselves and others—is something we can grow. The more we embrace this, the less power others' opinions will have over us. I’ve seen this in kids on the basketball court, in teens on social media, and in adults questioning their relationships. The thoughts we absorb early in life can define us—unless we choose to challenge them. I hope our conversation today gives you more of a desire to challenge any thoughts you think that label you as less than and that you let me be a voice that tells you the truth: You are perfectly worthy of love. Because lovability was never the question. Love isn’t something you earn—it’s what you already are. Whether or not those around you reflect that back to you, it remains the truth. And remembering this truth will allow you to love yourself and your life more deeply than you ever thought possible. Best of all, not one person has to change how they treat you to be able to move forward and grow in this ability—you have the power to do it now. Thanks for hanging out with me today! I think love is such a valuable feeling to invest in. I am amazed at how much it grows when we are brave enough to share it with others. If you know someone who is easy for you to love, share this with them, and maybe this information will make its way to someone who really needs to hear it. You might be just the right rock, thrown in just the right water that makes just the right ripple, to just the right person, at just the right time. Stranger things have happened! Talk to you soon!