Episode 14: Regret

Hello and Welcome to the Love Your Life Podcast. This is Episode 14- Regret This month we are talking about time and what we create for ourselves in the present when we emphasize the past, present, or future with the focus of our attention. Regret is a feeling that comes for everyone at one time or the other, and it’s a perfect example of how focusing on things in our past can affect our present. We create this feeling when we think thoughts like: If only I had done this>>> I wish I had not done>>> What was I thinking when I >>> Why didn’t I do that one thing instead of that other thing>>> And once we start thinking thoughts like these we pretty much stay in the spin and repeat cycle ruminating about things we cannot change from our past, and freezing us from moving forward in our present. An official definition for regret is - an emotion that arises when we reflect on past actions, decisions, or events. It is often accompanied by feelings of sorrow, remorse, or disappointment in the present. It involves a longing for different outcomes or choices and is typically marked by a sense of loss or missed opportunities tied to those past experiences. The thing that is the real biter about regret that differentiates it from disappointment or sorrow is that we experience deep heavy regret most often because we believe we had the power to change something but didn’t, so we carry the burden of responsibility along with the sadness. Today we are going to notice how the brain can turn any decision we make or don’t make and any action we take or don’t take into regret because it is going to regret things you do, and things you don’t do. This makes it virtually impossible to avoid regret over the course of a lifetime because the brain is able to damn us if we do and damn us if we do not. When I first recognized this, I was surprised. But now that I know, I see it all the time, and I laugh at myself when I am making a decision and I try to figure out what I will regret more in the future. Because it turns out no matter what I choose- at some point I have the potential to regret it, so I have to trust in future me to manage her feelings and stay kind and compassionate towards the me who makes the decision and takes actions or inactions in the first place. One reason we are so prone to create the feeling of regret in our life is because our brains love to tell us that there are right or wrong choices. Human brains love Black and White thinking. The polarization of right or wrong feels safe - and when it can file things as right or wrong quickly, the brain can rest and not have to do that extra hard work that is required to reason, listen, stretch, open up, be willing to be wrong or feel uncomfortable when things are more gray or beige than black or white. When the brain can convince us that something from the past is clearly filed into a wrong choice category, and we feel awful about it, we are more likely to stay stuck as we stew and fret by thinking about the past and wishing we had done things differently, but obviously having no power to change anything in the past. While we spin in regret in the present, we do not take actions that push us to learn new things or master new skills, thus avoiding taking on things that require a lot of focus and energy from the brain. This way it can stay feeling really safe and enjoy the satisfaction of being correct while it traps us in a dark cave and retains all of its capacity to keep scanning for danger, and keep us alive. I guess we can say that biologically, there is an advantage of regretful thinking, because our more cautious ancestors that spent more time in their caves being safe from predators lived to reproduce another day. And if Regret is the feeling that keeps you hiding in your own dark cave, well then welcome home. But what do we do to get out of the dark and lonely caves that Regret traps us in? Let’s explore a few tactics today- #1 - is to catch yourself doing it! You can’t change anything until you are aware of it. So start paying attention to those sneaky little thoughts that tell you something in your life is bad because of a past choice. I get how tempting it is. But as believable as the thoughts are - they are not serving you. #2- Many of us really do believe there is a right choice and a wrong choice for most things, and I was one of them for many years of my life. Now I have a more nuanced understanding of choices that I can offer to myself and those I love. We may never know if something is as simple as black and white - or right or wrong - but we can always take a step back and see what results have been created by any choices we make. After all a choice is a thought that we decide to think, or unintentionally think, that leads to a specific set of actions or inactions, and the sum of those actions create results - Once you see a result you have created, you can decide if you like it or not, and then make the next best choice. It is likely that 50 percent of the time we will like a result and possibly choose to keep repeating it and 50% of the time we won’t - When you have a result that you don’t like, your brain might think thoughts that create the feeling of regret, but you do not have to believe those thoughts. You can use the feeling of regret as an indicator that you don’t like the result you created and decide it is time to course correct from a past decision or action , and then release yourself to move on-... #3- Consider joining the great thinkers and coaches who consistently suggest that everything that’s meant to happen, does happen. This idea is in the same vein as accepting reality instead of fighting against it. It would look something like this. If your brain tells you that you should have been a lawyer instead of a teacher, you remind it that if it was meant to have happened, it would have happened, and since it didn’t, It wasn’t meant to happen. Then ask,so what do I want to be happy about for being a teacher today? Or what if you keep thinking the thought that you should have had another child and now it’s too late? And when you catch it, you remind it that if you were supposed to have had one more, you would have. But you didn’t, so how can you feel grateful for the children you do have today? This is a way to shift your brain's focus off of something that can no longer be controlled, and soothe it by focusing on something that you can control in the present. #4 - Is to get curious about why you did or did not do whatever your present self is wishing was different from your past. Were there things that were programmed into us socially, familially, or culturally that we had not caught onto yet? Were we in a hurry, impatient, or uninformed? Was there some way we could have known different, and if not, how do we make peace with our past self? Getting curious about our past selves actually changes our brain in the present because it triggers the brain's reward system and releases dopamine. And at the most basic level, dopamine feels good, which is much better than the feeling of regret - so curiosity shifts us from staying focused on something that is unchangeable and feels horrible, to a place of being able to learn from our past selves, while placing us in a more forgiving state of mind. AND #5 -Is to practice forgiving ourselves. Because Ultimately the feeling of regret is tied to judgment - When we look at past choices of actions or inactions - Our present self judges our past self for not doing the best or right thing. When you understand that you are dealing with a judgmental jerk as I like to call my little sweetie when she is on a regret rampage - you can start to understand that what is needed to break out of the ruminating cycle is a load of compassion and frequently, forgiveness. Forgiveness is a work that no one else can do for us. It’s always an inside job. Forgiveness of self is a really good skill to practice. We get better at it when we learn to love our past self and feel gratitude for the hard work they did to help us be the human we are today. Past us did the best they could do with the knowledge, resources, and insights we had at the time. We didn’t know then what we know now. Maya Angelou said- Do the best you can until you know better. Then, when you know better, do better.” Past me did the best she could do - and present me knows somethings that past me didn’t know - instead of spending my time berating past me, I can forgive her, and then I can stand up and be accountable for doing better today. When we are able to think like this, the feelings of regret that pop up in our lives can be a gift to our present self. Because Regret becomes the indicator of the desires we have to be better. To evolve, to change, to grow. But it is only when we move our thoughts to the present where we take action and the future where we envision something different - that we will break the grip that regret has on us while we focus on the past. If I am judging myself for my behavior in past relationships, I can catch myself and use that as an indicator that I want to improve my current relationships and not make the same choices I did before. And as a side note, I’m not sure any regret can engulf us more than perceived parenting mistakes. I feel it and I feel you if you struggle with this one. Don’t forget that not only can you forgive your past self, you can also ask your children to forgive you. Don’t underestimate the power that this kind of vulnerability creates in your families. If I am regretting things I did not do with my education or career in my past, I can forgive myself for not using time back then, stop blaming those who were around me, and use this desire for better education or career to make choices in my present that improve my life today and give myself more currency in the future. If I am judging myself for not taking good care of my body in the past and disparaging myself for the accumulated results that cause pain presently, I can forgive my past self and start to do better now so I can hand off a healthier condition to my future self. My race is not over yet. There is much goodness available for all who are brave enough to look at the past with curiosity, compassion, and forgiveness, and resist the urge to believe the worst of ourselves. Let's end with the actions you can take from this podcast today to apply immediately that will snap you out of past self focus and free you to create different results for today and tomorrow. Acknowledge and accept your feelings: It’s okay to feel sad or disappointed. Let yourself feel it. Reflect: Get curious. What were you thinking or feeling at the time of your decision? Learn: What lessons can you carry forward? Make amends: If you can, fix what’s fixable. If you can’t, let it teach you to do better next time. Practice gratitude: Shift your focus to what you’ve gained or how you’ve grown. Bonus points if you Write down one regret, reflect on the lessons it holds, and take one action today to move forward. Share it with me on social media or send me a message—I’d love to hear your story. Talk to you soon!