Episode 13: Past/Present/Future Self

Hello and Welcome to the Love your Life Podcast. This is episode 11, Past/Present/Future Self With the arrival of the new year, we begin the process of acquiring new calendars to record our activities and looking at 12 months ahead of us to fill in with our plans. We have gone through the process of ringing in the new year and bidding farewell to the one before it. For some this is more formal and structured than it is for others. Some of you are well on your way to setting new goals and realigning yourself to create new things, and others of you are disenfranchised with failed attempts from the past and won’t touch a new year’s resolution with a ten foot pole preferring to just keep on keeping on without the pressure of new things. Whatever camp you land in, this episode is for you! Today I want to talk about how there are always three of each of us at any given moment. There is the past self, present self, and future self. All three exist in me at all times. This trio of self is always working together sometimes for my benefit and sometimes to my detriment. The more I understand how they work together, the more I can shift this fun little trio to be working for my benefit and not unintentionally let them hinder my personal progress. I love thinking about this idea! I am always me in the present. In fact there is truly never any time except this present moment, - that must be what Mother teresa meant when she said, “Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow has not yet come. We have only today. Let us begin." Yet as I curl my toes in the carpet right here and now…. in this instant, I have past me on one shoulder and future me on the other shoulder. I can choose to pay attention to any of the three of us at any time and the amount of time and attention I give to each one will greatly determine what I feel in the here and now. Because no matter if I am thinking about my past or thinking about my future, I will only ever be able to feel a feeling in the present. Our brains do not separate our thoughts and feelings in time. Whatever positive or negative thing I am thinking about the past will create a vibration of energy in my physical body right here in the present. Likewise whatever thoughts I predict about future events will also create feelings for myself in the here and now. Let’s run a quick little experiment. Think about one of your favorite days from your past. Really give it a go. What is around you? What does the sky look like? What are you doing? Who were you with? What did you love about that day? How do you feel right now as you think about it? I am picturing my first date with my now husband. I can recall so many details, we hiked up to a waterfall and talked the entire way. It was sunny to start, but cool in the mountains, and the feeling that comes to me presently about that day is a feeling of wonder and delight. I was struck by wonder then that there could be a person that I could that easily feel comfortable with so quickly, and 27 additional years together only magnifies that feeling for me now. Conversely I bet you can also think of a memory from the past that makes you feel pretty awful. Whether it be loss, disappointment, or physical pain, we can all mine the past for things that were really hard or sad. When you think about something like this, you will also feel the pain of it in the present today. It doesn’t matter how long ago it was. The same experiment will work when you think about your future. So many people experience anxiety in their everyday lives. Anxiety comes when we think about the future and predict that something bad will happen, but we are actually in the present moment and can do nothing to help manage whatever negative prediction we are making about the future. It doesn’t matter that this negative thought has not happened yet and may never happen, we experience all of the same feelings in the present that we are predicting for the future, and I would say we actually experience stronger feelings in the present because we are helpless to make anything better. Whereas if something calamitous happens to me in the present, I am able to shift into damage control mode immediately, and things are usually never as bad as I predicted they would be when I am managing them in my present. To try this out, think about something that you used to fear would happen that actually did happen. Was it as bad as you predicted it would be or was it somehow easier than you thought and somehow you managed to get through it? Now play out a scenario in your mind of something you are looking forward to happening in the future that is going to turn out great? Perhaps a wedding day, a baby born, a trip you are planning, a surprise for someone you love? How do you feel right now when you think about it? The point of all of this is to notice that what we think about whether in our past, our present, or our future can only ever create feelings for our present self to manage. It is beneficial to be aware of this because just as you can only feel things in your present, you can also only ever take actions as your present self. Think about how this works? You can think about every single detail of your past in a good or bad way, but there is not one thing you can go and change about it. People who spend a lot of time thinking about the past wishing that it was different than it was or agonizing over something they did that they want to change but can’t, create a lot of negative feelings that lead towards depression in the present. There is literally nothing that can be done about the past, except to learn from it, forgive it, and eventually to consider changing the way you tell the story about your past that is defining you as a victim or a villain. You can also spend a lot of time- and trust me almost everyone does - predicting bad things in your future - and trapping yourself in the fear and anxiety of that in the present. Just like past thinking there is truly nothing you can do about negative things in your future because you are not there yet. Even if what you are predicting is a “realistic” prediction, you can do nothing until it is actually playing out - this is a sure fire formula to create the feeling of anxiety in your present - which traps you and holds you hostage from doing happy and healthy things that if started now could actually make the future better. If feelings are fuel for our actions - and you are constantly telling yourself stories about bad things that have happened or will happen - then you will be fueling your present life with sad and anxious thoughts, and if you are paying attention, you will notice or arrive at the conclusion that sad, anxious, and depressing feelings do not produce results that are happy, peaceful, or positive. My favorite ancient Chinese philosopher, Lao Tzu, called it a long time ago when he said. If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present." So why am I telling you this today in January of 2025? Because I want to bring you to an awareness right now as your present self. If you want to create a life that you love for your future self you are going to have to wake up and start doing the work to create it right now as your present self. You will never arrive at some magical happy place in the future because you will only ever be you in the present even when it’s 2050, you will still be living in your present. This means we must practice daily to manage our present self and create a habit of happiness. . Your past self is your teacher for your present self. Your present self is the only self that ever gets to take actions and create things that you can enjoy in the present and gift to your future self. Your future self is someone that you want to develop a relationship with so that you are motivated by love for them and use that as the fuel for present actions. We must be wary of falling into the trap of believing every gloom and doom story that our brain tells us about our future. We need to wake up now and realize that we are the ones creating the stories we are picturing for them. None of it is written yet, so have a talk with yourself if every story you tell about the future produces anxiety and negativity in your present. For sure there will be things that you cannot control that will happen along the way, but learning to empower present self and trust him/her to do what needs to be done when unforeseen things arise is the ultimate definition of self confidence. And a beautiful form of loving the future you. Let me add that, I think it is also important to pour some love out for your past self because you also have a relationship with that kid. So much can be gained by learning to forgive that self and to praise them for the things that they did well for us. When we think about past self that way, we create beautiful fuel for present actions and will take the results from present actions right to our future self. You have heard me talk about the generational relay race we all run a leg in. So many of our present attitudes, beliefs, and behaviors come from the things we inherited and watched play out by the examples of previous generations. But just because we saw it, experienced it and learned it, does not mean we are trapped into repeating it in our own lives. We each have a decision to make to allow in what we choose. That is why the work we do to clean up what we have been given from previous generations and hand off better examples to our children is one of the most beautiful things about life coaching. It is the same with our own past, present, and future selves. This trio of self is in a constant relay race handing the baton back and forth. But the past does not define the present. So if you have made mistakes in the past, don’t waste your precious present time by agonizing and judging. That will only keep you trapped. Do the work to forgive that kid, and let go of the shadows it casts on today. Use the present to be thoughtful about what you want to create in your life. Whether it is in the form of new year's resolutions or just a general philosophy that you develop about what kind of person you want to be. The present is the only time you have to work with that will change the race that future you will eventually run. To help you consider what you might want to bring into your present life this year, ask yourself where you want to be going? Where do you want to be in five years, ten years, 30 years? When you get a few items on this mental list - ask yourself if the things you are doing today are action items that will create those future results for yourself. If they are not, make some adjustments! Because there is no time like the present - literally - Thank you for joining me today! I can tell you that my present self is thrilled to be here with you. I am looking towards the future to figure out how to create actions today that will give more people access to the insights that coaching provides tomorrow. Don’t hesitate to leave a message and let me know what you would love to hear more about. And as always, don’t forget to subscribe, like, and share!