Episode 10: Relationships

I’m thrilled to dive into this topic today because I honestly believe that the better my relationships are the more I love my life. I know I am not alone in this. I love coaching on relationships, and many of my clients come to me because they are unhappy in their relationships. It feels like Holy work to me because when we strengthen our relationship with ourselves and those closest to us, we create ripple effects that heal past generations and empower future ones. This work isn’t just personally transformative—it’s the foundation for breaking old patterns and building generational healing. I think of the generations like a relay race. Our parents hand us the baton that they got from their parents and we run our stretch of the race before we pass it on to the next generation. Each runner tries to make the leg of their race a little better than the ones before them. Even if I get the baton in last place when I move us further ahead I help the whole team get a better time and definitely make less work for the next runner to keep up. Each family has individuals who improve on the patterns they inherited, some in very big ways. We call them cycle breakers—or generational shifters. They are the people who stop negative patterns that were demonstrated to them and choose to heal wounds instead of passing them forward. Healing ourselves in the present doesn’t just stop negative patterns—it reverberates backward and forward. It allows us to forgive the past, love the present, and give the next generation the freedom to focus on their own growth. Improving the quality of our Relationships is the perfect skill to work on improving for your leg of the race. And I have an empowering truth for you today, You don’t need anyone else to change for your relationships to improve! I say repeatedly that, “The quality of our relationships depends on the quality of our thoughts about the people we relate to.” Great relationships aren’t about finding perfect people. They’re about choosing to think compassionate, forgiving, and loving thoughts about the imperfect people around us—including ourselves. It’s easy to believe that our feelings about others depend on their behavior. But here’s the truth: what you feel for someone is determined by the thoughts you think about them. Because your thoughts create your feelings, nobody else will have the power to make you feel anything - and vice versa - you don’t have the power to control what others feel. I love to talk about the concept of unconditional love and loveability - I promise we will get to that eventually. But for today - stick with me as you digest the idea that you have the power to have a better relationship with even your most difficult person simply because of the way you think about them. For example: your friend is often late, you might think, “She doesn’t care about me.” This thought creates resentment and distance, even if her tardiness stems from overwhelm, not indifference. your sister gets a call from your mom while you don’t, you might think, “Mom loves her more than me.” That thought magnifies perceived slights and erodes your connection. Your wife says she wants to remodel the bathroom, and you think, “She is never satisfied, or what we have is not enough for her.” The thought brings lots of examples to your mind about the areas she is not happy with and soon you believe you are not enough for her. This thought changes the way you feel about yourself, and about her. When in reality, she just didn’t like the crack in the bathroom tile. When we focus on negative thoughts, they multiply and create disconnection. But just as we have the power to think these thoughts, we have the power to change them. Remember what Viktor Frankl said, “Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” The sooner we wake up and take responsibility for what our thoughts create in our relationships the sooner we can start to change. Waking up to our own power and responsibility can be hard because our culture often emphasizes getting others to meet our needs. Books like The 5 Love Languages encourage us to understand how our loved ones best receive love— and then gives the speaker the responsibility to express love better for the receiver. This reinforces the idea that others are responsible for our feelings. The truth is, we are responsible for our emotional experience. No one else can control the thoughts we think or the feelings we generate. When we place the burden of our happiness on others, we give away control of our happiness. Eleanor Roosevelt put it perfectly: “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” No one can make us feel anything! Our own thoughts create feelings. When you really understand this, you start to see how relationships can be damaged by tiny, unchecked thoughts like: “They don’t appreciate me.” “I’m not enough for them.” “They care more about someone else.” These thoughts feel true in the moment, but they are actually just stories our reptilian brains create to help us make sense of what is going on around us. Just because they are offered as a possible interpretation, does not make them true. The more we feed them, the more they grow, eroding connection and fueling negative actions like avoidance, criticism, or withholding affection. This is exactly the kind of thinking that is benefited by moving upstairs to let our thinking brain examine the information and give it the chance to decide what we do think about our people and what we WANT to think about our people. I might think that it is true that my sister is bossy- I’ve seen her round up the troops and get things moving over and over again - but when I think that she is bossy, I don’t feel very close to her. I mostly feel annoyed and resistant. To move it upstairs to my thinking brain gives me the opportunity to reframe - the truth is that she frequently has a vision of what she thinks will work best, and is willing to voice it to get others moving forward. I benefit from this when I don’t feel like getting things going. I’m glad she is comfortable leading out for our family, AND I can always decide to do something else or communicate with her when I disagree with her plan. When I take the time to think through it - I feel appreciative of my sister’s strengths, and also more trust in myself to do what I think needs to be done. It benefits my relationship with my sister, and also my relationship with myself. Win/Win I’m going to keep boiling this down here: the quality of your relationships isn’t about what others say or do—it’s about how you choose to think about them. By taking ownership of your thoughts, you get the power to create love, compassion, and closeness, no matter the circumstances, and no matter what you used to think. I am not saying that we should condone harmful behavior or never set boundaries. I am saying that it is beautiful to wake up and understand that our emotional experiences become ours to shape. I’m not asking you to change all your thoughts today. I’m simply inviting you to notice the power you have. Pay attention to the thoughts that shape your relationships. Are they building connections or creating distance? One way or the other, you get to choose, and you don’t have to wait for anyone else to change! I love the quote from Rumi that says, “Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.” When you realize that the quality of your relationships depend on the quality of your thoughts, you can start transforming your relationships— Once you are willing to take responsibility for the quality of your relationships with others, it stands to reason that you will notice how much control you have in the relationship with yourself. You better believe that the kind of thoughts you think about yourself create feelings, actions, and results in your life. Pay attention to how you talk to yourself and you can start selecting your thoughts better immediately. My favorite thing to do with any relationship is to take a minute and review what I think about the person I want to focus on. Negativity bias is real - so our brain is mostly going to be serving up the details of the things we don’t like when unchecked - but when you become intentional you get to notice things that feel way better. Ask yourself -What are their strengths? What do I love about them? Is there something I wish was different about them? How often do I focus on the things I wish were different? Is this more than I remember their strengths? If this is off balance give yourself an invitation to practice remembering what you love about them when you see a text come in from them, or a phone call, or you are preparing to meet them in person. You can even change their name on your phone. Make their contact name something like Thoughtful Shane, Happy Laura, or Generous Nate. This is your brain's cue to remember what you want to remember about them. It helps you reinforce a neural pathway you are working on making stronger. And it creates wonderful feelings that drive better actions that create stronger relationships. And don’t forget- Stronger and higher quality relationships increase the quality of your life immediately - I happen to be from the school of thought that my relationships are the most important thing in my life. Learning how to think about relationships in different ways has given me the tools I needed to adjust as the people in my life grow and change. It gives me the mindset that allows me to allow them to be themselves and do the things that their hearts lead them to do, and it fills me with so much love and satisfaction that I get to know them and support them as they grow. If you want to love your life more today than you did yesterday - pick someone close to you to practice thinking great thoughts about. And if you want to help me in my mission of getting these coaching principles to as many people as I can, send this podcast to them so they can feel more love for their people today too. Because if we all learn to be wise and change ourselves- none of us will have to waste our time trying to change others who are not interested in changing. We will just love them right where they are. Talk to you soon!