Episode 8: Expectations

Hello and Welcome to the Love Your Life Podcast Episode 8- Expectations The last two episodes have been laying the groundwork for understanding our feelings - and I gifted you a very useful tool to process your feelings in episode 7- I hope you have all taken the opportunity to grab my free list of feelings download from the website this week. It can help you move forward with the first step of naming each feeling as specifically as possible. This week I want to talk to you about how expectations have the pattern of creating big feelings, and what we can do about that in regards to the holidays. The definition I will use for expectations is that they are beliefs or assumptions about what will happen in the future or how something should turn out in the future. Expectations are stories we are telling in our own minds about future events. When we predict stories into the future it is often based on information from past experiences, societal norms, personal desires, or what we believe is likely or deserved. Expectations can be directed toward ourselves, other people, events, or outcomes. Sometimes we expect that things will be great and then reality comes in way worse than we hope/predict/expect - the space between our expectations - and reality is the space where all the big feelings live. I am certain that you can think of a time when your expectations were not met and remember how you felt. I have clients tell me all the time that this is why they trend towards pessimism- they are trying to manage their expectations and not be let down in the future by having too much hope and optimism in the present. The problem with this is when we spend time in the present thinking about negative things happening in the future - we feel bad right now in the present -Because negative thoughts produce negative feelings - instantly - and we only ever exist in the present. Which is why pessimists are not typically very happy people. They’re always scanning for bad things. This means they are perpetually stuck in the present feeling the effects of their thoughts that catastrophize things in the future and they continue this habit by also cataloging what is not working in the present. - if you have noticed that a person can be super pessimistic and then have an event go better than they predicted - but they don’t seem to slow down and notice that it is good because they don’t have a habit of dwelling on good things. Now - Excessive optimism has its own pitfalls. It can lead to denial of problems, unpreparedness, or unrealistic expectations. This is a lot like the catchphrase of toxic positivity, which is the belief that one should maintain a positive mindset regardless of circumstances, to the point of ignoring, minimizing, or invalidating negative emotions or legitimate struggles. And if you remember - life is half and half -so we are in trouble when we try to pretend there is nothing negative going on here. There is however, a sweet spot in the middle - which we could call healthy optimism - or optimistic realism, where we can learn to get our expectations closer to reality while still having a growth mindset that stays optimistic and scans for an abundance of good in the world, while moving towards goals and creating all kinds of new and good things in our lives. Before I go into the sweet spot of healthy optimistic realism - I thought it would be beneficial to tell you about areas in life where I coach people who have gotten swept away into negative emotions because of unrealistic expectations - Awareness is always the first step to helping ourselves figure out how to feel better. Waking up to our own specific patterns and habits - can feel heavy at first - but stick with me, and look for yourself in these examples. If these examples are not typical of you, maybe they will help you understand someone you love, or maybe they will give you an insight into something you do that is similar. Marriage - it’s not all a bed of roses - as my grandmother in law repeated obsessively while I was engaged to her grandson. She was right - there are a lot of prickly thorns in a marriage- because life is 50/50 - and if you go into marriage expecting it to be easy and not take 100% of your effort, commitment, responsibility, and forgiveness, you are going to have a lot of big feelings when it is harder than anything you’ve ever done or experienced. Relationships in general are a hotbed of unmet expectations - like Extended Family Relationships- Most of us are the very most comfortable when people act and think like we do, and we tend to seek those people out. The problem with families - is you get what you get and you don’t get to pick them. - says country music singer Kacey Musgraves in her song Family is family. So if you expect all of your family members to do and say things the way you would, you are going to have a lot of feelings because the reality is, they are simply not you. But don’t underestimate the value of differences! This world needs every person’s different and unique viewpoints to move us all forward. There is already one of me - that is plenty enough for this world - The more we learn to be curious and interested in the different viewpoints - the better we get at managing all kinds of expectations - and meeting each other right where we are at. The next relationship that comes to mind is our Children - Children are a study on unrealistic or unmet expectations! They are the literal master class on it. From the moment we arrive we are continually measuring our expectations with reality - and learning how to readjust- Sometimes we even think we get the hang of it, until the kids hit the teens, and early adult years, but I have watched parents struggle to manage their expectations with their old kids like me, I don’t think it ever ends. I have moms of college kids that are always managing feelings because the kids don’t call to talk anymore - and the mom’s they think they should - or kids date people you don’t like and you think they shouldn’t - I help a lot of people manage their expectations with what they think they should be able to accomplish with their time - and what is actually realistic and fair. Should’s and shouldn’ts are big clues into what your expectations are. There are also expectations about doing really hard things like college, and sacrificing early on in your career with massive time outputs and you finally “arrive” and it doesn’t feel like you thought it would? Those are some pretty complicated feelings and take a while to unbundle. What about your expectations about health and aging? What it will be like when you retire - could tag along in that area. And of course holidays and traditions that we create and experience with our families give us ample opportunity to notice our expectations and learn to adjust. This list is not exhaustive, but hopefully I have you thinking about where you have expectations that could use a little tweaking to bring yourself a little closer to reality - and it begs the question.. how do we find the balance of bringing our expectations - closer to reality while still staying optimistic, hopeful, and generally positive about our present and our future. The answer brings us back to healthy optimism or realistic optimism as a tool for this - and I will share three steps that you can focus on to get a handle on bringing your expectations closer to reality. #1 - Focus on reality: by Acknowledging facts, challenges, and limitations without fixating on the challenges and limitations. when we make them facts we neutralize them - because they are simply the circumstances of our lives and we get to think anything we want to about them. #2 Maintain hope: Believe in the possibility of positive outcomes and focus on solutions. This goes along with what I taught in Episode 1 -we have a circumstance - now, what do I want to do about it? The answers are full of hope because we are in charge and get to decide how we want to proceed. #3 Take action: Prepare for difficulties while staying motivated and adaptive.When our actions are fueled by feelings of hope and confidence in our abilities to grow and adapt - our actions - are much cleaner and useful - Let me show you how these steps could apply to managing expectations for the holiday season - thanksgiving is a week from now and there is plenty of time to adjust your expectations There are those of us that have high expectations of the holidays being picture perfect and emotionally connecting. Others see the holidays coming and immediately start expecting the busyness and drain on their energy and finances and start feeling the stress and anxiety before the holidays even start. Still others expect to feel isolated or alone and don’t manage to pull themselves out of this expectation - and trap themselves in that energy immediately. Whatever your emotional pitfall has been about the Holidays historically - pay attention to that and notice what you are thinking about and feeling this week before thanksgiving. I am always going to be encouraging you to write things down - and this is a super beneficial exercise right now- What are the facts, challenges, and limitations for the coming holiday? Don’t add adjectives to this list - just try to be as factual as you can. So and so will be there -- there might be sleeping arrangements to be made - and travel times to consider - there is food to be planned, bought, prepared based on food allergies and preferences and traditions- who will do what? Each personality that makes up the gathering might have different needs, different weaknesses, and different strengths. Get curious about them. Nothing is good or bad - it just is - so be aware of it - and write it down - This is the realistic part - Next step is to maintain hope - This is where we think about the positive outcome we hope to experience with the gathering and notice when we start to slide down the swirling vortex of doom and negative predictions - sto and p that before it starts - Your job is to remember what you hope to create and to start making plans that account for the realities of your family and your gathering. This is where you remind yourself that there is most likely going to be some kind of behavior that you don’t like from people you are not in control of - So what are you going to do about? That is what the last step is for Take action - Carry out the plans you make ahead of time that are fueled with optimism but grounded in realistic expectations. Leave the room when your uncle starts to talk about politics. Volunteer to bring your own version of mashed potatoes if you don’t want to eat your cousin’s dairy laden bowl - Set up boundaries for your time and leave when you say you will. If you have expectations about where you will sleep - make sure that is nailed down ahead of time. We all know that if the baby doesn’t get their naps it is a problem for everyone - but I have also found that when I don’t get enough sleep, I am shot- so make plans and take responsibility for your own physical needs. If connection is what you desire - set mini goals for yourself to have personal conversations with people when you are in your best space - so if grandpa typically drinks too much - fit that conversation in at the beginning - and let go of your expectations for him to be anything different than who and what he is. Bless his heart. My number one- go to thought when I am at holidays and family gatherings - is that everyone is trying to do the best they know how - if they knew better they would do better - but it’s not my job to teach them today. Each of us has our own individual operating manual that is simply a list of our expectations about life and behaviors, but we rarely give the people around us the manual to study up on and then to act accordingly for us to be perfectly happy and at peace. Learning to examine our own expectations - is a skill that reveals our personal manual to ourselves- and also teaches us to look for the clues that those we love are giving us through their own feelings and actions. Learning to examine your own expectations regarding the coming holidays is one of the best things you can do to make the holidays a beautiful and connecting time instead of a pressurized field of hidden landmines for yourself and those you love. Let’s end with a little more wisdom from Kasey Musgrave.. Family is Family is really one ofmy favorite song to help adjust expectations with reality- In fact, when my first son - in law started coming around engaged to my daughter - I played this and sang this as much as I could - to help him set realistic expectations about us. She says - Family is family, in church or in prison You get what you get, and you don't get to pick 'em Yeah, friends come in handy, but family is family They show up at Christmas, get up in your business They might not be fancy, but family is family You might look just like 'em, that don't mean you're like 'em But you love 'em I hope learning to manage your expectations helps you feel more love for your family, yourself, and your life, this holiday season. We will be applying this understanding of expectations - in the Love Your Life Lab the month of December - and will be adding to it with several more tools to make this holiday season the most peaceful and full of love you can imagine. You can find information about the Lab on my website, RondaLoveridge.com Thanks for joining me today - I am cheering for your every success. Let me hear all about it in the comments of the show!